There were no #1 Dad mugs given.
There were no pictures.
There were no happy hugs and “Happy Father’s day” comments.
There was no “I love you Dad”.
The scale I use to judge “the worst day ever” has dramatically changed since April 11th, but suffice it to say that today was up there. The whole day has been tough. I can’t stop thinking about Jon. We tried to keep some semblance of normalcy, but it was tough.
We went to lunch like we normally do on Sunday, except that my brother and my dad weren’t there because they’re in Costa Rica, which had the strange side effect that I couldn’t even say “Happy Father’s Day” to my dad, and that was nice. Audrey was cute as could be and helped keep my mind off of things (she gave me an extra hug without having to ask, it felt really good). When we got back home my wife kept busy all day doing all sorts of little chores (including things that are normally “mine”). I sat on the deck and had a cigar but instead of relaxing I actually did some work because it kept my mind off things. It didn’t work all the time though, I had to stop and hold back the tears. Imagine looking at Java code and suddenly you get overwhelmed and no matter what you do it takes over. My wife invited my mom over for dinner and I grilled up some steaks and we chatted for a bit. She gave me a card with a nice note in it, and as hard as it was to read, it was nice.
Instead of talking with our son, we ended up talking about something a parent should never have to do: we talked about our son’s grave site and marker that we picked out the day before. My wife and I finally decided that we should get that done, if not for us, for others to have a place to “see” Jon. We also bought plots for the two of us so that we can all be together. Jon will be buried between the two of us and we’ll all be together. Soon Hillside Cemetery, Section P, Area 142, Plots 1B, 2B, and 3B will have similar grave markers marking the Chris and Michelle Halverson family.
Unfortunately, one of them will already be completely filled out.
My wife and I ended up watching a favorite light hearted movie (“The Princess Bride”) and then I went out to watch TV. I would just sit there. I held Jon’s urn. I cried. During the day things hit me in Target, Cub grocery store, a number of times in the car, on the deck, on the couch, watching the movie and basically everywhere.
I know it’s “normal” but it still sucked. It was basically a terrible day. There were some good points, my mom and wife did a great job helping, but it was still terrible. I miss Jon so much and at times I just don’t know what to do.
All I know is that I just try to go through one day at a time. It sounds cliche, but it’s true. Some days are so tough, other days I can handle things just fine. I don’t know what the day will be like, so I just try to deal with things as they happen.